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they shouldn’t be proposed by the state as a sexual health monogamous relationship, don’t be afraid to ask for it. And fail over time because one partner wants to play more than
response to HIV or to promote particular moral (religious) don’t be afraid to work for it either. If guys would put as another.
values. Indeed, the new Civil Partnership Act makes no much energy into having a monogamous relationship as Monogamy is my personal ideal because love should be
mention in the vows of sexual fidelity. many of us put into shagging around, there would be a lot able to conquer lust. And health-wise you can also chuck
Many gay men believe that sexual fidelity isn’t the be all more success stories out there. out condoms if you are both HIV negative. Monogamy
and end all of a meaningful relationship. Some may see No monogamous relationship is perfect. I think the trick is probably has its place in every relationship at some point;
monogamy as a politically oppressive act of patriarchy not to give up and throw it all away just because one of you it’s how long it can last that’s the question! The gay world is
and heterosexual oppression. Others recognise their sexual slips up - we are only human. If you stay committed to one highly sexualized and to stay monogamous in the long term
attractions and needs may go beyond their partner (more another and move on you may be surprised how far you can takes effort and sacrifice.”
typically this happens in longer term relationships), but actually go.” Dr Alex Vass is the author of Gay Sex, Gay Health
many couples start out with this awareness. These men Cary James is the editor of health promotion (2006)
may feel able to offer emotional fidelity and commitment magazine FS. Download the latest issue at
to their partner but have sexually open relationships, www.gmfa.org.uk/fs TIM FOSKETT
usually with a variety of carefully worked out ‘rules’ to help “I think that both open
them respect each other’s boundaries. Gay men in open ROD WATSON relationship and monogamous
relationships have long been pathologised by psychologists “For many gay couples, a long-term monogamous relationships are viable
as fearing commitment or emotionally immature; there is relationship is the epitome of a successful relationship. For options. Research in the
no evidence to support this. Open gay relationships can be many other gay couples, the word monogamous in that USA has shown that 72% of
as psychologically healthy as closed ones.” sentence is irrelevant; there are other factors which they gay male couples that had
Dominic Davies is the director of Pink Therapy value as deeming their relationship successful. Research into been together for more than
www.pinktherapy.com. He has been in an open, gay men’s relationships has found that there are a multitude five years had some kind of
long-term relationship for over eleven years. of types of relationships. There isn’t a simplistic open or negotiated non-monogamous
monogamy dichotomy; rather, a great range of relationships relationship. Which means
RICHARD ISAY are created to suit the needs of the men involved. 28% were monogamous. I think every couple has to find an
“While HIV and AIDS remain A consistent finding from research is that the longer a gay arrangement that works for them.
a serious and growing health couple stays together, the more likely the partners are to I think they are both healthy and right for different people.
problem, particularly for have sex outside the primary relationship. For the majority There can be difficulties because social conditioning
younger gay men, this is not of men in a sexually open relationship, there is a set of rules programs us to believe that monogamy is the ‘right’ answer.
ell the main reason to strive for defining the boundaries of the relationship. These rules But even for heterosexuals (the people it was designed
a committed relationship. The mostly concern honesty, emotional attachment to other for) there is widespread infidelity and considerable deceit.
don Harr
most important reason is that partners, threesomes, and safe sex. What matters to gay Interestingly, it is often the deceit that people find most
the sustained devotion of one men is that partners adhere to their own rules. painful.
o © Gor
other person is the best cure The Terrence Higgins Trust is supportive of a range of Developing the communication skills to navigate through
Phot
for the impoverished self-love relationships. The type of relationship you want is up to the difficult emotional terrain that goes with intimate
of those gay men who were hurt in childhood by parental you and your partner(s). Negotiating your sexual relationships is the most important and ‘healthy’ thing to
indifference, misunderstanding or lack of empathy and then relationship can also provide an opportunity to do. This is where many couples come unstuck because
by peer and society’s rejection. discuss HIV status. If you or your partner is they haven’t been taught how to do this either by
Striving for sexual, as well as emotional fidelity, even if one unaware of your own status, I’d strongly their own families or by schools and colleges.
does not always succeed, helps to express commitment, advise being tested for HIV, and other In terms of HIV prevention, I think preaching
maintain passion and engender the trust of one’s partner. sexually transmissible infections as monogamy would be an unhelpful red
Love always requires the belief that one is worth effort to well. Knowing your status (and that herring. Gay men don’t listen to
find it and the courage and self discipline to sustain it.” of your partners) is valuable for preachers very much anyway,
Richard A Isay, MD is Clinical Professor of Psychiatry the decision making process and the key with HIV is what
at Weill Cornell Medical College, in New York City. around safe sex, whether you do with your sexual
He is the author most recently of Commitment and you’re negotiating partners, not how
Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love monogamy many you do it
(2006) and of two previous books, Becoming Gay or an open with. Unprotected
(1996) and Being Homosexual (1989). relationship.” anal intercourse with
Rod Watson is someone of a different
CARY JAMES the Acting Head of status to your own is still a
“Monogamy is not an easy Health Promotion for very efficient way of passing
choice for a lot of gay boys to the Terrence Higgins Trust. on the virus. And we know that
make. Many guys feel an open www.tht.org.uk a significant amount of HIV still gets
relationship is the only realistic passed on in committed relationships
option they have, even if they DR ALEX VASS because people assume both partners are
would prefer a one-on-one “Research on gay men across the UK shows negative, and therefore don’t test together before
arrangement. that about half are in a relationship, but the they stop using condoms.
I was once in a relationship same research also shows that three out of four guys Personally speaking I’ve had both open and
where I was actually the had more than one partner in the previous year. So, monogamous relationships, in different ways, in different
one who suggested an open the facts appear to indicate that a lot of gay guys are not relationships, and I’ve been both monogamous and non-
relationship just to save myself the stress of wondering monogamous when in relationships – but we probably all monogamous in the same relationship at different times.
if he was out shagging around or not. The problem was I knew that already. One of the things that keeps relationships alive for me is to
really didn’t want an open relationship at all, so while my There is no template for gay relationships, which itself is have an ongoing dialogue with my partner(s) about what is
partner was out shagging around, I was at home becoming liberating because you can negotiate how you want to run right with this person at this time.”
more and more resentful. I didn’t have sex with other guys your relationship and not be guided by convention. Sex
because I didn’t want to. He slept with other guys because with one partner will become less interesting over time Tim is Groupwork Manager at PACE and a
he thought I was… perhaps understandably since I and so sex outside the relationship – together or alone – is psychotherapist. Upcoming PACE workshops
suggested an open relationship in the first place! Also, by commonplace. This has obvious risks in relation to picking include When Positive Meets Negative (Fri 29
shagging around he felt he didn’t really have to commit fully up sexually transmitted infections and bringing them back Feb-Sun 2 March), and Sexual Healing (Friday 28
to the relationship. The results were fatal to the relationship to your boyfriend, plus it needs both partners to be in total March-Sun 30 March). Enquiries to workshops@
and it ended in a morass of suspicion, accusation, and agreement. pace.dircon.co.uk or 020 7700 1323
bad feeling. The moral of the story is that if you want a Many relationships last because of this freedom but others
&
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