= C b a b O \ R W \ U
MONOGAMY OR NOT?
WE ASKED A SELECTION OF GUYS – EXPERTS IN GAY MEN’S HEALTH
AND HAPPINESS – THEIR VIEWS ON THE MONOGAMY VS. OPEN
RELATIONSHIPS DEBATE? IS ONE SORT OF RELATIONSHIP BETTER
THAN THE OTHER, AND IS MONOGAMY A CHOICE WORTH PROMOTING
IN THE BATTLE AGAINST HIV AND AIDS?
MATTHEW HODSON
“I don’t believe that some types
of relationship are inherently
better than others. Both open
relationships and monogamous
relationships present their own
challenges. Some men can’t cope
with the sexual jealousy of an
open relationship; others can’t
stay faithful to just one man. It’s
true that if you have more sexual
partners then there is a greater chance that you will be exposed
to sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. However there
are also health risks for men in monogamous relationships.
V c ` R Z S W \ O Q Q S ^ b W \ U O [ ] ` S ] ^ S \ ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ O P ] c b b V S \ c [ P S ` ] T a S f c O Z ^ O ` b \ S ` a b V S g I know people who thought that they were in monogamous
W a ] d S ` Q ] [ W \ U b V S T S S Z W \ U a ] T X S O Z ] c a g ] ` V O d S - relationships only to discover later that their partner had
[ W a b ` c a b b V O b W b Q O \ ^ ` ] d ] Y S � E V O b W T V S � a 7 b W a O R [ W b b S R Z g O V c U S Z g Q ] \ b S \ b W ] c a W a a c S cheated on them - and because they thought the relationship
V O d W \ U O P S b b S ` b W [ S W \ P S R e W b V b V O b ] b V S ` / \ g ] \ S e V ] V O a T ] c \ R b V S [ a S Z d S a W \ T S Q b S R was monogamous they weren’t using condoms. That’s likely to
U c g - � O \ R � e V O b W T V S [ S S b a a ] [ S ] \ S S Z a S e W b V 6 7 D e V W Z a b W \ O � [ ] \ ] U O [ ] c a � ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ be less safe than the couple that have an open relationship and
b V O b V S e ] c Z R ^ ` S T S ` b ] P S e W b V - � O ` S Q ] [ [ ] \ e W Z Z P S _ c W Q Y b ] ^ ] W \ b ] c b b V O b ^ ` S a c [ S R a S f c O Z always use condoms.
T S O ` a 6 ] e S d S ` R S d ] b S S a ] T ] ^ S \ ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ a T W R S Z W b g W a \ ] b \ S Q S a a O ` W Z g O a O T S U c O ` R O U O W \ a b Even if your relationship is truly monogamous, it doesn’t mean
e ] c Z R ^ ] W \ b ] c b b V O b S d S \ W T a ] [ S ] \ S W a a b ` W Q b Z g W \ T S Q b W ] \ B V S \ O U O W \ P S a W R S a Q S Z W P O Q g b V S ` S that there is no risk of getting or passing on HIV. About one in
[ ] \ ] U O [ ] c a b V S g [ W U V b a b W Z Z [ S S b a ] [ S ] \ S O ` S T S e a c ` S T W ` S e O g a b ] ^ ` ] b S Q b W \ U ] \ S � a three HIV positive gay men don’t know that they have been
b V S g ^ ` S T S ` b ] P S e W b V b V O \ b V S W ` ^ O ` b \ S ` a S f c O Z V S O Z b V O \ R e V O b � a [ ] ` S W [ ^ ] ` b O \ b W a ` W a Y infected. If you decide not to use condoms in a relationship it’s
[ W \ W [ W a O b W ] \ A V ] c Z R e S � O a W \ R W d W R c O Z a O \ R O a much safer if you both test first. You also should discuss what
B V S ] b V S ` � T Z g W \ b V S ] W \ b [ S \ b � e W b V O Q ] [ [ c \ W b g � P S R ] W \ U e V O b S d S ` e S Q O \ b ] would happen if one of you didn’t manage to stay faithful,
` S U O ` R a b ] e W R S a ^ ` S O R O \ R c \ Q V S Q Y S R [ W \ W [ W a S ` W a Y a - 7 a Q c b b W \ U P O Q Y ] \ b V S \ c [ P S ` would you be able to talk about it with each other?
a S f c O Z T ` S S R ] [ W a b V S W a a c S ] T a S f c O Z V S O Z b V ] T a S f c O Z ^ O ` b \ S ` a g ] c V O d S Z W Y S Z g b ] Q c b g ] c ` The reality is that many men in love don’t discuss their HIV
: O a b < ] d S [ P S ` b V S 5 ] d S ` \ [ S \ b � a O \ \ c O Z 6 7 D Q V O \ Q S a ] T Q ] \ b ` O Q b W \ U A B 7 a - E ] c Z R [ ] a b U O g status, or what their rules are, before they stop using condoms.
a b O b W a b W Q a ` S d S O Z S R b V O b g S b O U O W \ b V S ` S V O R P S S \ [ S \ W U \ ] ` S a c Q V O \ O ^ ^ ` ] O Q V � ] ` e ] c Z R a ] [ S It’s often not a conscious decision, but something that just
O ` W a S W \ b V S \ c [ P S ` ] T \ S e 6 7 D b ` O \ a [ W a a W ] \ a O Q b c O Z Z g e S Z Q ] [ S b V S [ S a a O U S - happens. Unfortunately that can make it extremely risky.
� Q V W S T Z g O [ ] \ U a b U O g [ S \ B V S U O g It’s very easy for people to imagine that HIV is something
Q ] [ [ c \ W b g V O a S f ^ S ` W S \ Q S R O a V O ` ^ W \ Q ` S O a S W \ E V S b V S ` W \ O \ ] ^ S \ ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ ] ` \ ] b that happens to other people. Men who are in long-term
b V S W \ Q W R S \ Q S ] T a g ^ V W Z Z W a a W \ Q S b V S P S U W \ \ W \ U ] T e S O ` W \ U O Q ] \ R ] [ W a b V S a W \ U Z S [ ] a b S T T S Q b W d S relationships may expect that it’s only the people who go to
b V S R S Q O R S e V W Z S W \ " W b e O a ` S ^ ] ` b S R b V O b ^ ` S Q O c b W ] \ g ] c Q O \ b O Y S e V S \ ^ ` ] b S Q b W \ U saunas or sex clubs who get STIs but a recent study estimated
O ^ ` S d W ] c a Z g ` O ` S W \ T S Q b W ] \ Z g [ ^ V ] U ` O \ c Z ] [ O g ] c ` a S Z T T ` ] [ 6 7 D b ` O \ a [ W a a W ] \ 7 b W a c ^ b ] that about a third of HIV infections occur within relationships.”
d S ` \ S ` c [ : 5 D V O R P S S \ ] \ Q S O U O W \ O Z Z ] T c a O a W \ R W d W R c O Z a b ] R S Q W R S e V O b ] b V S ` Matthew Hodson is Head Of Programmes for gay
] P a S ` d S R W \ 3 c ` ] ^ S � O Z [ ] a b S f Q Z c a W d S Z g W \ ` W a Y [ O \ O U S [ S \ b a b ` O b S U W S a e S S [ ^ Z ] g A ] [ S health charity GMFA.
www.gmfa.org.uk
U O g [ S \ 1 O a S a ] T U ] \ ] ` ` V ] S O O \ R U S \ W b O Z [ O g e S Z Z R S Q W R S b V O b [ ] \ ] U O [ g W a ] \ S e O g
V S ` ^ S a V O d S O Z a ] W \ Q ` S O a S R O \ R W b W a Y \ ] e \ b V O b ] T T c ` b V S ` [ W \ W [ W a W \ U b V S Q V O \ Q S ] T ^ W Q Y W \ U c ^ DOMINIC DAVIES
W \ T S Q b W ] \ e W b V ] \ S a S f c O Z Z g b ` O \ a [ W b b S R W \ T S Q b W ] \ O \ A B 7 e V W Z S ] b V S ` a [ O g X c R U S b V O b W T ] \ S a b W Q Y a “There are a number of reasons
Q O \ W \ Q ` S O a S O ^ S ` a ] \ � a Q V O \ Q S a ] T O Q _ c W ` W \ U b ] a O T S ` a S f a Z S S ^ W \ U e W b V O U ` S O b S ` \ c [ P S ` ] T why gay men prefer monogamous
6 7 D [ S \ Q O ` ` W S a \ ] [ ] ` S ` W a Y relationships. Some want to
E V O b � a [ ] a b W [ ^ ] ` b O \ b W a b V O b g ] c Y S S ^ try and replicate what they
B V ] a S b O Q Y Z W \ U b V S a ^ ` S O R ] T 6 7 D Q ] [ [ c \ W Q O b W \ U e W b V g ] c ` ^ O ` b \ S ` ; ] a b ^ S ] ^ Z S saw in their parents’ successful
^ O ` b W Q c Z O ` Z g ] \ b V S U O g a Q S \ S V O d S P S S \ Z ] O b V e ] c Z R O U ` S S b V O b O \ g a c Q Q S a a T c Z ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ relationship (or perhaps try to
b ] ^ ` ] [ ] b S O \ g a ] ` b ] T Q O [ ^ O W U \ W \ U P O a S R W a P c W Z b ] \ U ] ] R Q ] [ [ c \ W Q O b W ] \ O \ R O [ c b c O Z show that they can do better than
O ` ] c \ R S \ Q ] c ` O U W \ U [ S \ b ] Q c ` P b V S W ` a S f c O Z ` S a ^ S Q b T ] ` ] \ S O \ ] b V S ` � a T S S Z W \ U a 0 S ] ^ S \ their parents). For others it may be
P S V O d W ] c ` A ] [ S a b c R W S a V O d S a V ] e \ b V O b a c Q V O P ] c b g ] c ` R S a W ` S a T S O ` a O \ R Q ] \ Q S ` \ a � O \ R that a monogamous relationship
O \ O ^ ^ ` ] O Q V e ] c Z R P S Q ] c \ b S ` ^ ` ] R c Q b W d S O \ R P S ^ ` S ^ O ` S R b ] Z W a b S \ b ] V W [ W \ ` S b c ` \ / Q Q S ^ b can heal the wounds of poor
W b � a e W R S Z g T S Z b b V O b e V O b � a [ ] ` S W [ ^ ] ` b O \ b W a b V S T O Q b b V O b b V W \ U a � O \ R ^ S ] ^ Z S � [ O g Q V O \ U S quality early relationships, where they didn’t experience
b V S b g ^ S ] T a S f ^ S ] ^ Z S S \ U O U S W \ O \ R \ ] b V ] e O \ R b V O b e V O b S d S ` R S Q W a W ] \ g ] c [ O Y S Q O \ P S enough love and security. They may feel that monogamy
[ O \ g ^ O ` b \ S ` a b V S g V O d S ` S d W a W b S R O b O Z O b S ` R O b S offers them security and commitment and helps keep the
6 ] e S d S ` O Z b V ] c U V e S O ` W \ U O Q ] \ R ] [ T ] ` : O a b Z g O Q Q S ^ b b V S T O Q b b V O b g ] c O \ R g ] c ` green-eyed monster of jealousy from the door. Some couples
O \ O Z a S f W a O V W U V Z g S T T S Q b W d S e O g ] T ^ ` S d S \ b W \ U ^ O ` b \ S ` [ W U V b V ] Z R d S ` g R W T T S ` S \ b d W S e a ] \ b V S want to abandon condom use within their relationship and if
6 7 D W \ T S Q b W ] \ W b � a \ ] b O Z e O g a a ] a c Q Q S a a T c Z O b a c P X S Q b ] T a S f c O Z T W R S Z W b g � O \ R b V O b W b [ W U V b they’ve both tested negative and agreed to a monogamous
^ ` S d S \ b W \ U b V S a ^ ` S O R ] T U ] \ ] ` ` V ] S O V S ` ^ S a a ] [ S b W [ S a P S S O a W S ` b ] T W \ R a ] [ S ] \ S e W b V relationship – and if there are very high levels of trust and
O \ R a g ^ V W Z Z W a 5 W d S \ b V O b W \ T S Q b W ] \ e W b V O \ g a W [ W Z O ` d W S e a b ] g ] c ` ] e \ b V O \ b ] S \ R c ` S O good communication – then there is relative safety in having
] T b V ] a S A B 7 a Q O \ W \ Q ` S O a S g ] c ` Q V O \ Q S a ] T ` S Z O b W ] \ a V W ^ W \ e V W Q V g ] c T ] ` S d S ` T S S Z g ] c � ` S unprotected sex within the relationship.
O Q _ c W ` W \ U 6 7 D W a W b b W [ S b ] Z ] ] Y O U O W \ O b b V O b V O d W \ U b ] [ O Y S P W U Q ] [ ^ ` ] [ W a S a Monogamous relationships can work very well for some
O ^ ^ ` ] O Q V O \ R b ] S f O [ W \ S e V S b V S ` b V S ` S W a O \ g people and should be encouraged and supported. However,
[ W Z S O U S W \ U S b b W \ U U O g [ S \ b ] O b Z S O a b b V W \ Y
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