THE BODY
PHYS ED
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Dilys Morgan, counsellor and journalist, asks why the British
are so bad when it comes to telling our children about sex?
What is it about the British that makes us Perhaps we should ask ourselves
In my role as online counsellor, I spell out in a forthright way
so unwilling, or unable, to talk about sex
what kind of information we’d have
exactly what to expect at each stage, naming body parts,
describing what happens to the male and female organs,
with our own children? It’s always struck
appreciated when young - and then and how helpful our bodies can be in helping us along. But
me as odd that when faced with the fruits
of our own unions, we’re dumbstruck
make sure we pass that on to our
I make sure to emphasise that sex is always best if it’s part
of a loving relationship - so I also pass on tips about taking
when it comes to telling them how and
own kids
care of their partners and respecting feelings.
why they entered this world. It’s as if we’d What this leads to, in effect, is a whole load of unnecessary I hope to help them see that this mutual learning curve can
prefer not to acknowledge that love and
angst and concern for each new generation. Perhaps we
bring them closer: that intimacy is something to be valued,
sex and having babies go hand in hand.
should ask ourselves what kind of information we’d have
not squandered. And I make sure each knows that the
appreciated when young - and then make sure we pass
other will be equally nervous. I hasten to add that none of
that on to our own kids. My mother taught me about
this means that I condone underage sex. I spell out in detail
Could this have something to do with our old British
periods but her instruction stopped there. My children’s
what the law implies so they know exactly where they stand.
hang-ups about sex being something so private and
generation had ‘sex education films’ at school but they
And I encourage them to see that a lot of fun can be had
personal that it needs to be swept under the carpet? Is it
mostly involved talk about bodies and body parts.
without going the ‘whole way’.
that there’s some deep-seated shame involved in the
Love and longing and romance and the excitement of what
subject that leads us to feel we shouldn’t be deriving any
happens between two people who really care for each other
Indeed it seems to me that only with all this information
pleasure from it, so it’s best to pretend it doesn’t happen?
is often totally missing.
are they likely to learn to respect themselves, their bodies
Or is it that we have a lower tolerance for embarrassment and their virginity. They’re surely far more likely to value
than our European neighbours? Are they better at themselves and therefore be less inclined to engage in
accepting that sex can be fun, have a good impact on a casual sexual relationships if they know what’s what?
relationship, and that being open about it leads to fewer
inhibitions, hang-ups and an all-round healthier attitude?
SUMMARY
And if they know what to expect they can decide what they
want for themselves; know how to say ‘no’ and call a halt to
anything that feels wrong, a step too far, or uncomfortable.
Dilys Morgan offers an online counselling service at
Shouldn’t we be paying more attention
www.askdilys.co.uk
I feel it is so important that we talk to our children when
they’re young enough: while they’re still innocent and
to how, when and what to tell our
The Better Health Channel, Victoria, Australia gives a
haven’t been spoiled by innuendo and gossip; before older
comprehensive factsheet on sex education for primary
children about this most important
school children, for example:
brothers and sisters have ‘got at them’ with ghastly
rumours and fantastic tales.
area of human relations?
a71
Keep in mind that it’s usually harder to talk to a
teenager about sex than it is to a preteen.
If we don’t tackle the task, we’re effectively leaving them in
Whatever, we always manage to come bottom of the
the hands of often inadequate sex education at school, ata71
Don’t be afraid to have a few laughs. Try to be open
league for talking about sex with our kids . . . and top of
and relaxed when talking about sex. If you act
the mercy of rumour and gossip and whatever information
the league for teenage pregnancies. So if there’s a link here,
embarrassed, your child will get the message that
they can lay their hands on in teenage magazines.
shouldn’t we be paying more attention to how, when and
sexual issues are taboo topics or turn to other
what to tell our children about this most important area of
sources of information that may not be reliable, such
human relations?
Children are innately curious.
as friends.
They have a habit of asking straight-
Working with teenagers on an internet counselling site, I am
a71
Be honest and truthful. If your child asks ‘Why do
regularly staggered by the amount of ignorance I encounter. men and women have sex?’, don’t just say
forward, blunt questions
Young people still believe they can’t get pregnant when ‘To make babies’. Explain that people also have sex
One thing’s for sure, this is a complex area and most of us
having sex for the first time, or even if they ‘do it’ standing because they enjoy it and it feels good.
won’t get it absolutely right. And there’s surely a debate to
up! Many have concerns about what happens if a condom
a71
Children need to be aware that sex can transmit
be had about the ‘right time’. Each child is different, of
splits while they’re having sex and don’t have a clue where
diseases. Discuss safer sex issues, like the
course, and surely we, as parents are the best judge of
to turn for advice.
importance of always using a condom. when our particular child is ready? But children are innately
Perhaps most worrying of all is the amount of ignorance
curious. They have a habit of asking straight-forward, blunt
a71
Teach both girls and boys that sex should be
about the physical act of making love. Young boys are something both people want, and that everyone has
questions. If we can only be on the lookout for those,
paralysed with fear about what would happen if they the right to say ‘no’.
spotting the moments when they’re asking for information,
can’t ‘perform’ at the vital moment and about premature
we can at least ensure that they learn these oh so important
a71
Talk about unwanted sexual touching. Stress that no
ejaculation; they worry about condoms and ask who
facts of life from us. The truth from us arms them against all
one has the right to touch their genitals, and that
‘should’ put them on.
the mis-information they’re likely to come up against as they
they should tell you straightaway if it occurs.
grow. And who better than parents, to help inculcate the
Certainly most young people don’t feel they can confide in idea that sex and sexual relationships are best within a
their parents. If they fear they’re pregnant, home is the last
www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au
loving and enduring relationship? If we introduce that idea
place they turn. Indeed I’ve heard the phrase ‘My Mum will The book “Who Made Me” by Malcolm and Meryl Doney early enough, perhaps we can help avoid some of those
kill me’, so often it’s etched into my brain.
- the facts of life for young children soaring teenage pregnancy statistics?
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