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Friday May 4 2007
Sorry I won’t be at
work today but Hearts
are playing. Oh, er, and
I’m not feeling great ...
s barr
y, he’s
a radge, it’s..
SOME things in life are just plain
wrong. Like incest, heroin abuse
and supporting Hibs. These things
are beyond the pale.
the strain
ou’ll feel
sort of wrong, but actually not that bad.
But there are other things that are
arses in Princes Street, drinking too
I’m talking about looking at women’s
much on a Friday or telling your mrs
you can’t mow the lawn because the
doctor ruled it out over your gammy
leg, when actually your leg is fine.
bad things is pulling a sickie at work.
Another one of the bad-but-not-really-
wrong, even to your boss.
Now some people insist all lying is
paragons of virtue argue that truth is
the basis of human relationships and
even a white lie is an abuse of trust.
food poisoning when actually you
They say that claiming you’ve got
just want to watch Murder She
ain s
rote on Bravo is a betrayal of trust.
After all, you work for a firm that pays
s probably some truth in this.
down to work the next three Sundays. disciplinary hearings. But they can’t
you and gives you holidays and fag
That means I could miss the Dons and prove a fecking thing.
breaks. So pulling a sickie is bad. Ok?
Kilmarnock clashes, two of the most
important games of the season. course, I’ll do forward planning.
I’ll just say I got food poisoning. Of
I’m inclined to go along with this one.
But there’s another argument – and
Planet Hearts, I also do another job,
Although I write this column for will be grumblings on the Friday about
not feeling great, snif
It is this: the people you work for are
not a particularly good or well paid one to the toilet a lot; I might let of
fling a bit or going
if you’re two seconds late for a
They pay crap wages, moan
but it lets me, Mrs Radge and Radge
and don’t let you drink at lunchtime.
junior lead a comfortable enough life.
unimaginably horrendous farts just to
f some
let people know my stomach’
They abuse you for being a minute late
They try to screw you at every turn.
decent clothes, but I can af
We can’t shop at Waitrose or buy Then when I phone in on Sunday I’ll
s not right.
then expect you to work more than
a season ticket and to drink like
ford say: “I knew I was coming down with
your contracted hours for bugger all.
a badger on Friday nights,
something. Remember that horrific
so it’
pump that made everyone’
water? Must have been the haggis
s eyes
mad just to get a two per cent rise.
You, or your union, has to argue like
Alas, it entails working the odd
s a good enough job for me.
Then the gits try to avoid back-dating it,
supper I got on
or take awy some other right from you
work these ones. So, what’
. And by a freak I’m down to
s to do?
I ate at my desk that didn’t smell right.”
Thursday, the one
to make up for it.
I could go to work and miss the game looking peaky
Go in on the Monday after the Dons
reason, it is not just morally right to
In short, bosses are ****s. For this
of me signing up for a course of Salsa
Aye right. There’s more chance struggled in despite being at death’
. They’ll think I’ve
pull a sickie now and again – it is an
lessons at the school of gay dancing.
nine pints in Stratties after the game.
Actually, I’ll be hungover from
absolute obligation.
rights that workers now enjoy – and if
Our forefathers struggled to gain the
Mrs Radge for being a dense bastard
that would mean a total shoein’
I could leave my job in protest – but
from the Kilmarnock game. No one’
Then simply repeat the charade for
we don’t take sickies, we betray them.
and leading us to the poor house.
hurt and my conscience is clear
s been
OK, pulling sickies is not T
about sickies, I hear you shout.
Now why the hell am I banging on
So that leaves one option: sickies. morally acceptable.
Jambo, and will suss I’m not sick at all.
, most people at work know I’m a
saying, “not some left-wing agitation
“This is Planet Hearts, Barry,” you’re They’ll mutter about me being a skiving
arses on Princes Street on a sunny
But hey, neither is looking at women’s
society newsletter
bastard, and maybe not speak to me.
day – but what harm does it do, eh?
sickies are on my mind is simple: I’m
.” But the reason
make noises about investigations or
The bosses will also suspect and make life a bit happier
It’s just one of those things that
as you lot don’t rat on me, I’ll be fine.
. Now, as long
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