Wholly Rude
Rab McNeil
rabmcneil@holyrood.com
Change for change’s sake
S
O now, in world politics, there is goes on. Beneath the bluster of Prime clear” school of Scottish Labour poli-
an agenda for change. Boy, that Minister’s Question Time and First Min- tics. I once heard Cathy Jamieson use
makes a change. Change based on the ister’s Questions, the actual content is: the pillock-style preamble 78 times
desire for change. Change to bring zero. You get a few good jokes and barbs, – possibly 79 – in a 30-second parlia-
about change. Change that is coming. at the expense of the other fellow or burd. mentary answer.
Change that is long overdue. Change But the main idea is to avoid “gaffes”. It’s one of the stock phrases that
that will herald a new age of change. Political reporting now is mainly the buys time for the brain to come up with
Change that will change the way we study of gaffology. Any change in policy an answer. It’s not just being clear. It’s
think about change. Change, in short, is hinted at in sign language, decipher- “let us” this, “let us” that. Stick in a
that will change nothing. able only to the sort of mind that can tomato and you could have the classic
Sure, it makes a change to have a study ancient Aramaic texts to decode British salad.
black man in the White House. But, the history of the Knights Templar and Whenever you hear the expression
Barack, old bean, could you spare us find the final proof that Alexandria was “Let us be clear”, you ken to lift your
the change? Or at least the endless actually Alloa. umbrella for the avalanche of bullshit
prattle about it. Like most civilised On the website
politics.co.uk, there’s that’s about to descend upon you. I
persons, I welcome Obama’s election, an interesting blowhard-by-blowhard admit that, with the media waiting to
particularly given the opposition, and account of a press conference given by pounce on any stray syllable as evidence
partly out of a vague feeling that he is Broon on November 11. of a gaffe, rift, u-turn or extra-marital
one of us rather than one of them. Asked about reducing the United affair with a farmyard animal, politicans
But other than change – unspeci- Kingdom’s massive debt (hang on, isn’t it have to be careful what they say. But is
fied and unquantified – I have no idea only an independent Scotland that’s sup- the only way round that not to say any-
what he stands for. Perhaps the only posed to have that)?, Broon’s substantive thing, even while speaking at length?
change he meant was him for George answer was: “We need serious proposals Sure, there is a place for vacuity in
W Bush. Or black for white. Well, for serious times.” No! Really? Why can’t politics. It’s called the House of Lords.
whoop-de-doo. Well done, son. We’ve we have silly proposals for silly times? But this idea of “to the vacuous the
done that. What noo? Oh, we have? Fair enough. spoils” has got to stop. Perhaps it is too
Worryingly, with Barack’s elec- Asked why he hadn’t seen the reces- late. As I suggested earlier, the virus has
tion, the vacuity measurement in world sion coming, he said: “Let’s get this pub- spread to all parties. The Nat suits are
demagoguery is now almost off the lic debate onto a serious level.” Oh, right. just as bad at the bullshit as anyone else.
scale. We have no idea what our lead- Starting with you then. Asked about the Even the Tories and Lib Dems, littered
ers are talking about, because they are actions of other countries to deal with with eccentrics and loose cannons as
talking about nothing. the credit crunch, he says: “Countries they are, toe the party line, primed by
Between Barack and Broon, a mas- around the world are taking the actions aides who always fear the worst. And
sive vacuum of meaning now spans we think are necessary.” Vague, woolly, the closer to leadership our MSPs of
the Atlantic. Broon’s chosen orifice of fogged, safe, dull and pointless, the Prime all parties get, the more banal they
communication is generally located in Minister of England and the Other Bits become. Even the Greens are quite
his buttockular area. He speaks and has turned up and demonstrated him-
The
null
media,
capable of covering themselves in this
says nothing. It is a proud New Labour self to be a waste of space. Defensive
as usual,
hundred-per-cent organic manure.
tradition, an artform introduced with and shrewd, you’d think he was playing The election of Barack Obama to
devastating effect in the 1990s. Sadly, poker rather than giving a press confer-
are to
the White House heralds a new age.
it is still with us, only it has been taken ence.
blame
A new age loosely based on all the old
up by all parties. Interestingly, too, the account in ages. An age of hope and stuff. An age
The media, as usual, are to blame.
politics.co.uk notes: “Someone says ‘as a of convoluted verbiage, vague ideals,
They killed the character in politics. Scot’ to Brown in the course of a ques-
null
old longings, new shortcomings and
Now they stand over the corpse, trying tion. You can almost see him wince.” promises not given and so never broken.
to will it back into life. The killing still Broon was schooled in the “let us be It is Age Zero. Plus ca change. HM
78
| 17 November 2008 | Holyrood magazine |
www.holyrood.com |
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