Chuck Norris
If I Were President . . .
C
HUCK NORRIS IS A TRUE AMERICAN
original. He not only starred in
the long-running television
series Walker, Texas Ranger but also is
a martial-arts expert, a political
commentator, the author of several
books, and the subject of an Internet
phenomenon called “Chuck Norris
Facts.” One such “fact” states: “Chuck
Norris doesn’t actually write books, the
words assemble themselves out of
fear.” Uh, sure.
First off, America would no
longer be a democracy. It would
be a ‘Chucktatorship.’
Sean Hannity would be my
choice for chief justice of the
Supreme Court.
My fi x for immigration would be to
personally guard the borders myself.
I’d tattoo American fl ags on the foreheads of
all fl ag burners. V
Bill O’Reilly would serve as my press
/LANDO
secretary.
CBS
ARZA/
I’d use my best karate chop to demolish all
liberal laws.
ONY ESP
/T
Having fought the likes of Bruce Lee and /NORRIS
Joe Lewis, I’m prepared to take on all
GES
corrupt politicians at once.
TY IMA
GET
In addition to my new book, Black Belt Patriotism: How Ahmadinejad with a presidential roundhouse kick. ONG/
to Reawaken America, Ted Nugent’s Ted, White and Blue:
As commander in chief, I’d salute all service men and
ALEX W
The Nugent Manifesto would be required reading in
women instead of the
public schools.
other way around.
My good friend, Mike Huckabee, would be asked to serve
I would appoint Ron Paul
as my vice president.
as the new secretary of the OMPOSITE/WHITE HOUSE/
C
I’d personally greet Iranian President Mahmoud U.S. Treasury.
T
O
PHO
20 NEWSMAX / DECEMBER 2008
0020_IfPres_.indd 2020_IfPres_.indd 20 111/6/08 6:01:19 PM1/6/08 6:01:19 PM
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