Christmas
by Victor M. Parachin
Giving
AND
Grieving:
MANAGING THE HOLIDAYS AFTER LOSS
MOTHER TELLS of being same way or will we make some loved you with an everlasting love; I have
A
worried about her first changes?” As the first holiday approaches drawn you with loving-kindness. I will
Christmas without her following the loss of your loved one, build you up again and you will be
daughter, who had died a “don’t try and hold on to the way things rebuilt” (31:3-4).
few months earlier at the were done in the past” is the advice of DON’T forget you have the right to
age of 33. “I knew we should still cele- Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair in their redefine how the holidays will be cele-
brate, but how would I bear the grief?” book I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye. “Your brated. Exercise your power of choice by
The mother came up with this plan: She family has changed. It’s OK to change the choosing whom you will be with and
asked all the relatives to bring a small way you celebrate the holidays as well. how you will celebrate. Consider the
stuffed animal to their annual Christmas Think of a new tradition. If you always example of one man who says, “I was
gathering. “Then I hung up Katie’s stock- celebrated Christmas at home, consider really being pressured by my sister-in-law
ing, and we all stuffed it full with little renting a cabin for a couple of days. If a to join her and her family for Christmas
animals. I called them Katie’s Critters.” large dinner was always cooked, go out Eve. My wife died three months earlier,
In January, she took all of the “crit- for dinner instead,” they suggest. and I just wasn’t comfortable going there
ters” to a local organization which DON’T judge your feelings. If you’re for Christmas Eve.” He declined and
worked with low-income single mothers. not feeling joyful or festive, accept those opted to accept another invitation. “One
“They were overjoyed to receive them!” emotions. Tell yourself, “It’s just the way of the men in our grief support group
the mother says. “I plan to continue this I am today.” Passing judgment on feel- announced he was going to host a Christ-
project every Christmas so we can ings blocks energy and creates a burden. mas Eve dinner at his home and that all
remember our darling Katie and how DO tap into your faith. The Bible is of us in the group were invited. That was
much she loved the season of giving.” eloquent and powerful in its many a better place for me to be.”
That is just one creative approach to reminders that God is with us in all of DO cry when and if you need to. The
managing the holidays while grieving. life’s experiences, especially the challeng- holidays are highly emotional times and
Traditionally, the holidays are supposed ing ones. To generate hope on a difficult more so when there has been a loss.
to be the happiest time of the year. day, read and reread these biblical words: DON’T forget that other family mem-
Homes are festively decorated, lights twin- “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ bers are hurting as well, especially chil-
kle, stores play holiday music, and fami- declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you dren. Try to be sensitive to their needs as
lies celebrate. For those who have had a and not to harm you, plans to give you well as your own. In his book Living With
loss to death, however, the holidays can hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).* Loss, Healing With Hope, Rabbi Earl Groll-
heighten feelings of sadness, depression, On days when you feel you are drifting man writes: “One person’s death touches
and loneliness. While there is no right or aimlessly through grief, reflect on this the lives of many. Your children may
wrong way of dealing with holidays when biblical text: “The Lord will fulfill his pur- have lost a parent, a sibling, a grandpar-
a loved one has died, some approaches are pose for me; your love, O Lord, endures ent, or a treasured friend. In the midst of
better than others. Here are some dos and forever—do not abandon the works of your grief it is important that you reach
don’ts for coping with holidays. your hands” (Psalm 138:8). When feeling out to them, make time for them, talk
DO take time to plan ahead asking greatly discouraged, think about these with them, listen to them. . . . Stay close
family members, “Will we celebrate the words from the prophet Jeremiah: “I have to your children in this time of grief. Hug
16 EVANGEL • DEC 2008
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